Writing is incredibly hard for me, it takes me hours sometimes to come up with the right words let alone making sure there is structure and clarity to a story. That frustration in the process of creation can actually be translated to what life is like. Sometimes you start with an idea of where life will go, but in reality you end up in a very different place. In the midst of doubt and insecurity about complicated matters like what will my future look like? I started thinking about my past. I thought of my childhood, the many dreams I held high in a once innocent and uncluttered heart and the painful days that rattled my world view. Here are three memories: one of hope, one of disillusionment, and one of trauma.
When I was a little girl I was sure I would become a writer, a ballerina and an archaeologist. I worked so hard towards achieving all three, you could find me in my room making lists of books to read and generally planning ahead for the many successful careers I would carry. I would devour history books and watch Indiana Jones films over and over preparing myself for the rigors of the job ahead. I took many dance classes, set daily stretch and workout schedules, obsessed over the arch of my feet and pretended to have eating disorders-meanwhile I couldn't stop eating cake and white bread. I kept journals for many years and would force myself to write everyday, when I came to the U.S at 13 I made a promise to myself that I would stop writing in spanish because I wanted to learn the language even when I couldn't find the right words. I had passion, drive and dedication because I was fearless having this delirious conviction that I would in fact be all three things at once.
Disillusionment: ˌdisəˈlo͞oZHənmənt/ Noun
1.a feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be.
I remember the day my view of the world changed entirely. It was a moment influenced by a manga book called Mars. Yes I read manga, alongside comic books and follow many things considered geeky, childish immature or for lack of a better word stupid. Truth is some of the most impactful images, story lines and complicated characters I come across spring from those sources, I'm constantly inspired by science fiction-but that rant for another day. Anyways Mars changed my life, it was the first time I felt angry and carried that anger with me. It is a story about young love set in a harsh reality where the main characters deal with depression, bullying, suicide and rape. Heavy subjects, which backed by a turn of personal events, led me to an awful realization where suddenly those things were in my life too and not just in the pretty pages of that gorgeous book.
side-note: I know that wasn't so much a memory, rather a reflection but I'm not ready to write about those specific series of events in a public forum-honestly I'm not sure I will ever be. I found this website where you can read the whole series, I highly recommend it and remember that manga is read like Japanese from right to left.
Trauma: ˈtroumə,ˈtrômə/ noun
I finish today with a haunting quote from Mars
“The things that really shake the human soul aren't beauty or kindness. Although such things are certainly moving, those feelings don't last long. But... anger or sadness are different. They leave an undelible mark. Even after the wound heals... you can never forget the pain completely.”
― Fuyumi Soryo, Mars, Volume 05